conciousliving-leaving

New Website: In Light of Dying.com

Over the past few months I have been creating a new website that is an outgrowth of the work started here at Conscious Living-Conscious Leaving.

This new site is called In Light of Dying  www.inlightofdying.com.  It is a networking site in which people may share their own stories, frustrations, insights and inspirations that illuminate how we live as well as how we die.  It is intended to be a resource for anyone who is dying or connected with someone who is dying as well as others not yet involved in the dying process.

I will be writing a blog several times a week in which I share my observations and experience as well as commenting on resources I come across.

I invite you to join and participate in the discussions as the site is a resource for expression, learning, and discovering that we need not be alone with whatever feelings emerge from our own dying process or that of others for whom we care.

NK 

Dying as Light as a Feather

In Tom Robbins book, Jitterbug Perfume, (one of Ilene’s favorites) a character is advised to die with a heart lighter than a feather in order to assure entrance into heaven.

In the last year of Ilene’s life, she did her best to accomplish that impossible feat. How did she do that?

First, Ilene sought to be fully present in each moment. The moment might be filled with joy, grief, anger or any other feeling. It made no difference what the emotion was. Her intention was to allow the experience of the moment to fill the cup to the brim—and overflow if necessary.

If the instant was one of joy over something, she celebrated it fully, and invited the child inside herself and others to come out and play with full-out innocence.

If the situation aroused anger, she would express that fully, then let it go. She strove to release the anger and move on to more important issues in relation to people and/or her soul journey.

The moments most challenging for her were the continual and ever greater loss of functions in her body; a body she cherished and in which she took enormous pride for its litheness and athleticism. It was amazing to watch how she faced a loss, such as the ability to hold a fork between her fingers, let it go, and move on. Occasionally she would share her mantra aloud: Grieve the loss; let it go; move on; closer to “home”.

Second, was her absolute belief that our souls come to earth from another realm. That realm is one of pure energy, of which our individual spirits are tiny fragments of a vast whole that is beyond our comprehension.

Third, she believed we are all here to learn lessons we have chosen in between lives to advance our soul growth.

Lastly, the key for Ilene was to let go of all attachments to the physical and emotional realms we think we know as reality and ego.

Did she succeed? No, and yes, to the best of her self-acknowledged limited ability. But if her heart was not lighter than a feather when she transitioned, it wasn’t from lack of will. Certainly it was not any heavier than a feather. She did everything she knew how to do to be free to float through the portal for her final journey; a journey she relished with curiosity and anticipation.

NK

Finding Humor in Humiliation

Anyone who knew Ilene knew her delightful, self-deprecating sense of humor. In one of her writings, she described it as “light and racy, dark and dry … like a rich wine.”

For her, nothing that might elicit a laugh or a chuckle was off limits. More often than not (though not always), Ilene greeted each loss of a physical function with a wisecrack. She used witticism as a way to keep the disease from controlling her and as a way to find meaning from the disease. She often referred to them as gifts.

By October 2005, Ilene could no longer move on her own from the wheelchair to the toilet or back. Someone had to lift and transfer her back and forth. She wrote that the “privacy of knowing that my bladder and bowl history are not my own.” Here is how she found meaning in this humiliation.

“The gift here is that my best laughs of the day are often those moments when I am lifted from my chair to the toilet seat. The incredulous humor of telling someone else, my left foot is on its edge, preventing me from standing. My right knee is too close to the bowl tipping forward and off balance. Both legs are bent and you must lift me higher to get them straight and locked. My pants just slid down to my ankles, making it impossible to be lifted while I am being held up. My outer pants have been lifted up while my underpants remain around my knees.

“It’s laughter that gets me, gets us, through the days and nights.

“Laughter. God’s answer to misery.”

NK

Feel free to respond

On Grief and Grieving

One of the many things I learned from Ilene over the course of our dealing with ALS was the importance of grief and grieving IN THE MOMENT.

Perhaps it was her training as a psychotherapist and life coach. Perhaps it was her intense desire for honest expressions of feelings. Ilene had the ability to recognize a loss of any kind, even a small one, and grieve for however long it took to acknowledge the loss and move on.

The grieving in the moment was freeing for her. It allowed her to move on to the next challenge. Even more, the practice of fully grieving small losses enabled her to confront bigger losses with greater confidence and less baggage carried over from the small losses.

About mid-way through the progress of the disease, Ilene came up a mantra to help her grieving process: feel the pain, grieve the loss, let it go, move on. In the last year or so of her life, she added two alternative endings: Let the child play or closer to home.

For her, the “child” was her spirit/soul. It was that ineffable part of her that would find something funny to comment on in the middle of the most difficult situations or feelings. I am sure it was her ability to authentically feel the pain and grieve the loss when it occurred that made it possible for her to let it go and move on.

I must admit, I rarely practiced her mantra through the course of the disease.

The result was that I held on to those feelings (and sometimes still do) until after her passing. Consequently, my grief in the months after her passing was often overwhelming, almost paralyzing.

My intention at the time was to be strong for her. After all, she was the one dying, not me. Yet in making that choice, not only did I make it harder for myself afterwards, I robbed both of us of the opportunity to be fully conscious of my experience in the moment. She did not get to share, not only my loss, but also he freedom that comes with the recovery.

I share these thoughts now, not out of guilt or regret, rather as a way of acknowledging the pain of a lost opportunity for even greater intimacy; to grieve the loss and let it go; to move on and let my spirit/soul play with the next challenge.

I know Ilene celebrates that.

Nick

When Do We Contemplate Our Mortality?

"Practice dying," Plato said from his deathbed when his students asked for one last lesson. He wasn't suggesting suicide attempts. He was talking about learning how to find purpose and completion with your life and how to let go of attachments.

Until we are past retirement age, most Americans don't think about dying unless it is right in front of us, or in front of a friend. Dying is something that happens to someone else. Not me ... just yet.

If you had a week, a month or a year to live, what would you shift to the forefront?

In South Korea there is a thriving business in staging mock funerals for college students, including wills, burial clothes and laying in a coffin. See (The Young and The Departed). The intent is to fully imagine your death and thereby sharpen your true priorities in life.

Isn't that the essence of conscious living, to know your lifetime priorities and act upon them? How freeing is that?

Nick

Ilene's Book: Dancing With Lou Gehrig's Disease

I have just put together a book of Ilene’s poems, art and writings. I am self-publishing it through lulu.com.. The book is a nice complement to the conversations between her and Carol. It contains both writings and art work from just before her diagnosis up until a few days before her transition.

BTW, the title stems from our working together on the narrative I am writing about our experience with ALS. I had thought of it as Ilene’s (and mine and Margarita’s) struggle with ALS. Several months before she died she convinced me that she saw it not as a struggle but as a dance. She wanted the story we were working on to be seen as a dance.

She had that rare ability to turn a dismal vision toward a life-affirming direction.

Her book reveals much about how she achieved that shift through many detours, dead ends and retracings of her path.

Look forward to much more frequent posts in the future!
Nick

Coming Soon: PODCASTS FOR FREE

We are going to change our podcast so they will be free in the near future and easier to download. The whole download/purchase process was just too complicated. We’re looking to create a different revenue model that will support the site and will let you know when the change is made--hopefully within the next week or two. Nick

Download Problems?

It has come to our attention that some people are having problems downloading the episodes.  We hear you and we are sorry you can’t hear us!

We are addressing this issue in two ways.  First, we are evaluating options to make downloading a single episode easier.  Secondly, we are looking at how to provide a package of six episodes either via downloading or another means..

By the first week of December we will have some answers to you.  We appreciate your understanding during this process and we look forward to getting the episodes to you.

Thank you,

The Conscious Living-Conscious Leaving Team

Looking for a Marketing Maven

Marketing Maven + Existing High-Performing Team → Changing the World
We are in need of a creative challenge seeker to find the sweet spot for a high-quality & ground-breaking product. You will be an equity partner, joining a collegial, four-person team of committed pioneers.
The Product:
Conscious Living, Conscious Leaving, interviews with a dying woman on living and dying well, is an iTunes podcast, launched in Sept 2006.  The podcast is based on a series of recorded conversations between Ilene Kouzel, dying of ALS, and Carol Ross, a friend and professional coach. Ilene died in October 2006. Six episodes have been produced and released to the public, with another 12-15 episodes planned.
"The power of Ilene’s life giving message became so real through her voice and brought itself right into my living room.  Through her experience we have been led closer to that sacred space between life and death.  Her courageous spirit manifested itself through her message of wisdom and hope."--Leslie Flocchini

Infrastructure to support the product includes a blog, www.consciousleaving.com, a branded podcast site, www.consciousliving-leaving.com, and an extended production/support team. When first introduced to iTunes, this podcast was listed as New and Notable in the Religion and Spirituality section and has consistently been in the top 50 podcasts in its sub-category.
Shortly after the podcast was launched and less than a month before her death, Ilene wrote a poem about the Conscious Living, Conscious Leaving project:
A Project Believed In
Amazing thing,
A project believed in
Coming to fruition.

Engaged souls showing up
Just when the next piece is needed.

Ideas, visions, hard work
Paying off,
Finished product, something tangible.

Music gifted when we dreamed it could be.
Friends, acquaintances ravenous . . .
For words and voices to wrap around this.

End of journey,
It faces us all.
Soften it.  Make it palatable.

Tell the truth, your truth.
We are afraid and don’t want to be.
Each eventually creates their own ending.

A dying woman’s dream
To create something meaningful, joyful, inspiring
Of her transition experience.
This joyful, provocative journey
Given a home, in podcast form, “iTune land.”
There for others to find.

Grateful firelight fills my heart.
Hopeful legacy marks a life
Well lived, well died. 

Amazing thing,
A life believed in
Coming to fruition. 

Ilene Kouzel    September 14, 2006

Who We Are Looking For:
•    Savvy user of Internet social networking and viral marketing tools, including YouTube, Google Video, and Facebook.   You regularly use these sites for both professional and personal needs and are an early adopter of new features on these sites.
•    Experienced in marketing/promotional work within both conventional and emerging media. You know the ins and outs of getting noticed in a crowded market.  Experience in growing an online business is a plus.
•    Quintessential networker who delights in initiating relationships with thought leaders in many domains. Winning others over is a natural for you.
•    Puts fun at the top of the priority list. If it’s not fun, why do it?
•    Comfortable working virtually, over the phone and through the Internet.
•    Team player who's both supportive, yet willing to speak his/her mind. You thrive on hearing all points of view and building off of the collective wisdom. You have an opinion AND you don’t take things personally when it comes to finding the best solution.
This is a freelance gig, not a full-time job. This team works virtually, so you can be located anywhere. However, we would prefer a US-based individual. 
If you are interested in this unique opportunity for meaningful work with significant impact, please email contact@consciousleaving.com. 

Episode 6-Dancing on the Edge

The sixth podcast episode, “Dancing on the Edge,” is now available. 

In this recording, Carol and Ilene explore the challenge of balancing Ilene’s fire to participate fully in daily life with the quiet inner work required for reflection and preparation for dying.  It is this inner work that will help her make the transformation into the next realm.  She also reveals the inspiration and planning for a ceremonial goodbye party to be held on her birthday the following month.

Listen in on the conversation between Carol and Ilene as she talks about learning lessons in this life in preparation for a next life.

Click on the link to the left, “Interviews with Ilene,” to purchase the full twenty-three minute episode about Dancing on the Edge for 99 cents.  All profits will be donated to the ALS Association and the Ilene Kouzel Scholarship for Diversity in Leadership.

Hear an excerpt from the recording by clicking on the following iTunes link, CLCL Episode Samplers.

After listening to the interview, please add you thoughts and feelings by clicking on the “Comments” link below.

The next episode, “Choosing the Bigger Story,” will be released next month.

Episode 5 - The Illusion of Forever

The fifth podcast episode, "The Illusion of Forever" is now available.

In this episode, Ilene talks with Carol about her decision to reject mechanical aid devices that could prolong her life while the disease continues its destructive path.  She chooses instead to accept the reality of imminent death and live fully in the moment.  Ilene reveals the challenges of living that way with and without fear and with a focus on who she is becoming--not only in this life, but in preparing for the next realm.

Listen in on the conversation between Carol and Ilene as she reveals her fears and fearlessness in facing the end of earthly life.

Click on the link to the left, "Interview with Ilene," to buy the full twenty-three minute episode about The Illusion of Forever.

All profits will be donated to the ALS Association and the Ilene Kouzel Scholarship for Diversity in Leadership.

Hear an excerpt from the recording by clicking on the following itunes link, CLCL Episode Samplers.

After listening to the interview, please feel free to add your thoughts and feelings by clicking on the "Comments" link below.

The next episode, "Dancing on the Edge," will be released soon.

Falling into Grace Episode 4

The fourth podcast episode, "Falling into Grace" is now available.
Listen as Ilene and Carol explore how life sometimes forces us into balance by stealing the familiar and trusted and throwing us into turmoil.  Life often imposes conditions that reveal opportunities to develop new perspectives and skills, to face what we avoid, and to find beauty in the midst of horror.  How we respond to these circumstances determines whether we fall into despair or grace.

Click on the link to the left, "Interviews with Ilene," to purchase the full thirty minute episode as Ilene talks with Carol about how she learned to fall into grace by incorporating a terminal disease into her full life.

All profits will be donated to the ALS Association and the Ilene Kouzel Scholarship for Diversity in Leadership.

Hear an excerpt from the recording by clicking on the following itunes link, CLCL Episode Samplers.

After listening to the interview, please click on the "comments" link and add your thoughts and feelings.

The next episode, "The Illusion of Forever," will be released soon.

An anniversary

Not many of you know, but the CLCL team just had an anniversary.  It has been one year since Carol and Ilene started the interviews, reflecting on the rollercoaster ride of living with death in the form of ALS.  Carol piqued Ilene's curiosity and here we are!

I took some time to reflect on this along with my colleagues and I would love to share our thoughts with you.

As for myself, wow, has it been a year already?!  I remember opening the door to the office for Ilene so that she and Carol could go in depth into the issues many of us never want to face.  And therefore, I feel blessed to have opened that door so the realness of living and dying consciously could be explored.

On Carol's blog page she eloquently reflects on the interviews and the passage of time.  Go check this out!

As for Dave, our Artistic Director, he says, "I pour through these recordings again and again.  They're as fresh and meaningful today as the first time I heard them, which is always a measure of staying power and value."  Dave is fond of saying, "People need to be reminded more often than they need to be instructed.  These recordings are wonderful reminders we should not only return to again and again, but should share with others."

Nick, Ilene's husband, finishes this off perfectly, and as only he can do!  "Listening to Ilene's thoughts and feelings again and again remind me of her strength, her character, and most important, the joy with which her spirit embraced the whole rainbow of life...and yes, death.  The recordings, powerful, insightful and funny, convey Ilene's spirit and message far more than any written words.  Instead of denying the pain of leaving this life, she embraces it, lets it go, and frees her spirit to soar, looking forward to the next great adventure.

We too look forward to sharing more of Ilene's insights with you over the coming months as we complete the process of publishing the podcast episodes. 

Please stay tuned for Episode 4, "Falling from Grace" when Ilene and Carol talk about finding balance, discovering what to let go of, and opening ourselves to the new choices even in the face of death.  This episode will be released at the beginning of May.

Thank you Everyone.  -Margarita

Scholarship Criteria

SCHOLARSHIP CRITERIA

Ilene's husband and cousin, Nick King and Margarita Kouzel are working with a committee from The Call, Inc. to design criteria, timeliness, and application processes for awarding the scholarship(s). They expect to announce the criteria for the scholarship by May 2007. They anticipate awarding the first scholarship in Fall 2007 for the 2008 Coaches Training Institute Leadership Programs.

CLCL episode 3, The Gift In This Disease

Ilene Kouzel's third podcast episode "The Gift In This Disease" is now available.

In this third episode with Ilene Kouzel and Carol Ross, Ilene's spirit lives on.  Ilene reveals to Carol how she redefines her relationship with Lou Gehrig's disease by looking for lessons the disease teaches her about living...and dying.  Listen as she reframes the meaning of success in her life; reflects on responsibility for herself and others; sustains the important relationships in her life; and explores the changing nature of her own humanity.

Click on the link to the left, "Interviews with Ilene," to listen to this twenty-eight minute episode about living life while facing death.

This is the first episode in which we charge ninety-nine cents for the download.  All profits will be donated to the ALS Association and the Ilene Kouzel Scholarship for Diversity in Leadership.

After listening to the interview, please feel free to add your thoughts and feelings by clicking on the "Comments" link below.

The next episode, "Falling Into Grace," will be released in April 2007.

SCHOLARSHIP CRITERIA

Ilene's husband and cousin, Nick King and Margarita Kouzel are working with a committee from The Call, Inc. to design criteria, timeliness, and application processes for awarding the scholarship(s).  They expect to announce the criteria for the scholarship by May 2007.  They anticipate awarding the first scholarship in Fall 2007 for the 2008 Coaches Training Institute Leadership Programs.

Ilene Kouzel Scholarship for Diversity in Leadership

Hi Everyone!
Well, it’s official.  The Ilene Kouzel Scholarship for Diversity in Leadership has been established.  The purpose of the scholarship is to increase diversity in the Coaches Training Institute (CTI) leadership program. 
The scholarship will be administered by The Co-Active Leaders Link (The CALL).  Their mission is to continually call forth leadership to serve people and the planet.  The CALL is a non-profit, worldwide community of graduates of the Co-Active Leadership program.
This makes your contribution tax deductible, if you itemize.  And, we are ready to accept your donations!
The Ilene Kouzel Scholarship for Diversity in Leadership will be funded by private donations and matched by donations from CTI.  Nicholas King, Ilene’s husband, has provided an initial donation of $1,000.  Additionally, half of the profits from sale of interviews from Ilene’s podcast will also be donated to the scholarship fund.  (The other half of the profits goes to the ALS Association) 
Anyone wishing to provide a donation can send their check, payable to The Ilene Kouzel Fund, to: 
        The Call Inc:  Ilene Kouzel Fund
        545 W. Burgundy Street, Suite 117
        Highlands Ranch, CO   80129
The scholarship will benefit qualified applicants to the Co-Active Leadership program.  And as many of you will remember, Ilene was passionate about her career with CTI, the Coaches Training Institute, which runs the Leadership program, and about diversity in all walks of life.
    Criteria for applicants for this award are being developed and will be published within thirty days.  Among them will be ideals that Ilene exhibited, as a leader at CTI and in her life, including:
•    Passion for helping individuals live fully and as a result, making the world a better place.
•    Integrity and honesty in all relationships, especially the relationship with oneself.
•    Lightness in the form of humor and play.
•    Creativity in work and life.
Thank you everyone who made this possible!

Leadership Scholarship

We are working on an Ilene Kouzel Leadership Scholarship to be done through "The Call".  Please stay tuned for more information to be released regarding the scholarship.  We would love donations!

Release of 2nd Program

Listen to the second program on iTunes by clicking on the following link: http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=192731858
or going to the Conscious Living, Conscious Leaving site, www.consciousliving-leaving.com.

    In a conversation titled “Who Are These People,” taped a few months before Ilene’s death, she and Carol reminisce about the paths that brought them together.  The two women share their professional backgrounds with you, how they met, developed and deepened their friendship and why they decided to create this podcast series.
    This program provides insights into Carol and Ilene’s character, humor, and their passionate desire to reveal the richness of their conversations about living and dying well with a larger audience.  In the months to come, more programs from the ten-plus hours of interviews will become available for your listening.

What people are saying

Over the past several months people have been enthralled with the work Carol and Ilene have done.  People have written comments to us stating how moved they were by this work, and at this time I would love to share some of these touching quotes with you.  I will continue to post quotes as I receive them.

Here is the latest quote:

I never knew Ilene but the interviews are profound and have really helped me to approach the topic of death and dying in a whole other way.  They have been so meaningful to me-often I end up teary-eyed, or laughing, or awestruck, or shaky with fear when I listen to them-and all of those are good places to visit around the two experiences we all have: watching people we love go on without us, and eventually dying ourselves."--Beth Wallace, Coach and Freelance Book Editor

"Such grace and love combined with audacious courage and truthfulness - this is a powerful lesson in making the most of every moment....Thank you, both, for sharing and allowing me to be a part of this life-altering experience."  --Erin Yoshimura

"I was so moved by Ilene's courage...I do believe we need to learn to die before we can truly live." --Carolyn Ringo, Life Coach

"Ilene is smart, funny, and very honest.  I think anybody who reads or hears her words will feel reassured and less alone as we face the big issues." --Marie Carija, Graphic Designer

Here are the latest quotes.

"Ilene's words sank right to the core of me and had me looking at who I want to be, where I want to place my attention in this life, and where I am living on my distractions.  It was absolutely the most powerful experience I've had in a long time."--Leslie Flocchini, Life Coach

"I appreciate the work that Carol and Ilene did together and shared.  Thank you.  It was powerful, moving and gives me many things to ponder."--Leeann Enright, Change Management Consultant

Art Exhibit

   One of Ilene's wishes was to have an exhibit of her art. We were able to honor that desire by having a show of her work at her memorial party at CTI headquarters in San Rafael, California.
Here are some photographs, taken by Nick, showing the exhibit.
You can see in the photos that Ilene liked to paint with oils, and, use mixed media to create Altar Drawers.  The photograph of the deer skin is a depiction of Ilene's life, done not in words, but in pictures.  This is part of the Native American tradition with which Ilene connected.

Poem #4

Perfect Moment

Sitting on the hillock,
In front of home,
Dog by my side.
Peaceful moment,
          Birds, pines, clouds shimmer their presence.

Final day of summer warms tired bones.
Dog chews a branch at my feet.
Satisfaction, perfect moment,
Nothing to do, no one to answer.
          Peaceful.  Soak it in.

Breeze comes up
Hint of fall on its back,
Reminder of chill winds
That also frequent this place.
          Farmer’s Almanac predicts a bitter winter.

Back to now, take in the moment,
This crown of summer’s day.
Don’t taint it with tomorrow,
With what’s to come.
          Be fully here, right now.

Crow caws.
Flowers yellow, purple, white
Vibrate in gentle breeze.
Dog rests snout on paws.
I feel the perfection
         And sigh.

Ilene Kouzel     September 4, 2006

Copyright (c) 2006, Ilene Kouzel